What are you worth?
I had an epiphany!
I once saw this quote on a friend’s WhatsApp status, that you cannot show someone what they are worth unless they see it themselves. That is is possible that other people see your brilliance, your creativity and overall greatness, but until you see it yourself, no one can help you. You will always feel momentarily good when it is pointed out, then go back to the default of thinking you aren’t that great, until you learn to see the greatness yourself.
The first time I saw that quote I felt attacked although it had nothing to do with me, reason being, I had felt for a very long time as if others had seen what I could be more than I saw. It used to give me such misery that others seemed to see my potential more than I did, to the extent that I used to feel shame in the company of some such people. I felt this cognitive dissonance that I was being ‘smaller’ than they could see, yet at the same time I couldn’t figure out what they saw, or how I could be what they saw.
Anyways, to my epiphany.
I was in the office. Almost 9:00 p.m. One of my colleagues had just finished working on some document, while I had been in the office that late as I tried to file my own.
Oh, I am an Advocate. This story is going all reverse, but yes, professionally, I am an Advocate. It is what I am trained in. Lawyering is my current 8–5.
Now that you know what I do, I hope it now makes sense when I say that I was trying to file a document. We currently use the e-filing system to file documents in Court in Kenya, so this is what I was trying to do this late into the night.
Now, my epiphany:
After I had been in this office hustling to get my work done, my colleague finishes the drafting bit of his work, and all of sudden comes to the printing room, dumps his work there, and says, ‘My work is done. Si I see you guys Kesho.” (Kenyan for — Adios, see y ’all’s tomorrow, deal with the donkey work, that’s kind of y ’all’s forte, I don’t get involved in some things, those are beneath me”). Honestly it could just be my mind’s bias, but that’s the vibe I got from the way my colleague said those words.
It wasn’t the first time this particular colleague had done this, but on this particular night I was pissed beyond words! I was literally seething with anger inside, feeling so ready to slap someone, anyone! Like, how on earth do you leave me, us, with your unfinished work say your work is done, and get to leave while the rest of us finish your work! The process of proof reading, paginating, compiling and filing documents is sometimes almost as long as it takes to draft documents.
However, what made me even angrier was that my boss, our boss, was okay with this. I think I have made myself so ‘useful’ in this Firm, that it is almost always expected that I will deal with the ‘minute’ tasks, despite being equally trained, qualified and licensed as an advocate.
Look, I know this probably sounds like I were just whining and complaining, but trust me, it is more than that. I am eternally grateful for that day.
It is the day I realized that no one would ever be able to see my value, except I do. And I do not mean value within the context of this one office, no. I mean value in terms of what I am truly capable of.
Your boss, no matter how supportive, cannot be able to tell that you have other dreams inside you aching to be fulfilled. Your boss, or colleagues cannot tell that perhaps you are more suited for more responsibility, or a different kind of job altogether, because only you can be aware of your capabilities.
I am eternally grateful for that day, because it is the day I realized my boss will always be comfortable having me as an employee in the same terms, expecting me to fulfil the same roles, and we can even do that for ten more years, and he will be okay with it. He cannot tell that I have a calling or desire to, say, serve young people in people in Africa. He cannot and will never be able to tell that, say, I would like to record and publish music. He cannot and never will, not because he does not care, but because sometime, only we can know about ourselves, and it will be up to us to realize that and start planning how to fulfil such goals.
I am forever grateful for that day, because it was the first day I consciously considered the question, “What do I want to see of myself 10 years from now?” It may sound strange to those who have already answered that question before, but I had always felt as if I were in a state of stupor whenever I considered the question. I always felt like I couldn’t tell what I wanted. My brain forever and always had refused to see that far ahead and decide what we(my brain and I) would want. However, in this particular evening, I saw myself clearly, ten years from now, in the year 2034, and considered what I would want.
I am grateful because that experience was the day I realized that no one will ever fight for my dreams except I do. Not because I hadn’t heard that statement before, but because it really hit me that no one can or will ever do that for me, because there are some roles in life only we have the responsibility to play. Fighting for our dreams is one such role. And we will never start playing that role till we realize it is reserved only for us.
I wasn’t angry anymore by the end of that evening, even if I got home at almost 10 p.m. I did not even have any more expectations of a change in behavior in my colleague, nor in the roles my boss may expect me to play. I got this different kind of motivation to just do what I do well, even if that includes doing what may be beneath me. For once, I can clearly see my way out. Thus, I can do well because I know that I won’t be here forever, not because this place is not good enough, but because for once I saw myself clearly, and saw my future clearly, the future I want, and it won’t be here anyway. Therefore I can serve with my whole heart, because I do not feel stuck.
To conclude this article, the last thing I would want is for you to leave feeling as if you read someone’s journal entry, where they whined and benefitted you in no way.
I would like to urge you to consider three things:
- Embrace the little annoying, anger-inducing moments. They could be God’s way of prompting you to think bigger. May you be more sensitive, to see that it is not business as usual. Lean into the moments that anger you, or trigger a different level of conscience in you.
- Challenge yourself to come up with a long term ambition, if you do not have one. I mostly able to speak to those who have never been able to make a long term commitment, because I can relate more with that. Perfectionism can make us struggle coming up with any answer, because we will always wonder if what we are thinking of ourselves 10 years from now “is the right thing”. I think we can only overcome the fear of not being right by letting ourselves be okay with speculations. This way we can let ourselves dream and not be too obsess on whether our long term dream ‘is the right’ dream.
- There are things about yourself only you can ever pinpoint. Things like your gifts, talents, capacity and ambitions are only best accessible to you. Rarely will you get into places where others encourage you to work on such, not because they do not care, but because they genuinely cannot see who you are inside. Thus, it will be your job and mine to identify these peculiarities about ourselves, and tart working towards a reality that serves our inner longings.
I hope this helps in some way. This was inspired by events of almost three weeks ago, but I committed to writing about this epiphany, so that my fire and the commitments I made to myself would not fizzle out.
I may not share everything here, but for once I have thought of an exit strategy, with a new found drive to make sure I pursue my dreams. Because I had an epiphany; no one will come live our lives for us, we have to be the authors, because others cannot see what we know of ourselves.
See you in the next article.
