The Enemy Within … & The Last Song
Write of all your pain& struggles today, your last song will be different.
This is a story from my Word Press Archives, Originally written and published on 2 December 2023.
If you have followed my Course Correct page for sometime, then you know that I have had more than a full share of experience with mental health issues- I have struggled with depression, anxiety, substance abuse disorder, cognitive distortion, and a very long history of self sabotage.
Now, I do not confess these things for pity or attention… I can gratefully say that long gone are the days I played victim for manipulation and attention.
I confess these things for the sake of those out there who feel ashamed of their struggles, or who may not even have the words to describe what they are experiencing inside. I openly give expression to what I have struggled with because often I felt judged- judged by people who I felt saw the ‘promise’ in me, but yet somehow this ‘promise’ was not materializing.
I confess because I am now okay- Okay with the risk of being ridiculed or even humiliated. If that is the cost for the growth I seek, then I have made my peace with being so imperfect.
I confess because I am no longer afraid of The Enemy Within. I confess because I am no longer under the tyranny of voices within my own head. I confess because I know of many struggling with the same things I have struggled with for years and years on end… some willing to get help, some in denial of their situations, some with no words for what they have experienced or are currently experiencing, and some who have given up on ever breathing again. Here I am. I can breath. I am breathing again. Even if it has taken me about 13 years in this struggle with mental health… I am alive, and kicking. Everything is not perfect but I am so far from my worst moments.
I confess because I want to see as many as possible overcome their pains, shames and defeats… I want as many as possible to see that light can be found again. That there can be another side to their struggles.
I confess so that as many as possible can know that no pain, problem or struggle is more powerful than our internal capacity to overcome. I confess so that it is known to all that victory is possible, and readily available. I confess to disarm the Enemy’s voice within anyone that can relate to an ‘Enemy’s voice’ within them.
Below is the journal entry verbatim… see how good God has been. I can honestly speak of the faithfulness and kindness I’ve been showered. If you have been a faithful follower of the Course Correct message, then perhaps you can see the traces of growth since this ‘article’ of 2 December 2023:
I have always liked the sound of my own voice. I wonder if this is the case for anyone else.
The truth is that admitting such may paint one as a self-obsessed narcissist or something along the borders of that.
Well, if one judged me as such, honestly I wouldn’t feel hurt, I have already diagnosed myself with at least 3 personality disorders so far …
I am not particularly proud of thinking myself as so fundamentally flawed as to self-diagnose with so many personality disorders, I just find that I can’t help it sometimes.
See, today I am feeling particularly down. And given how loud and clearly I tend to hear “my own voice”, Lets just say this must be what purgatory feels like.
It is not once or twice that I have felt helpless against my own soul, but today just feels heavier. It’s as if I cannot get past these fears in my soul, fears of such terrible things concerning my own life.
I went to therapy once, once upon a time, an my therapist talked of these self fulfilling prophecies. That what we expect is what we get. So if what you fear is what pre-dominantly runs in your head, then that’s what you get.
I fear talking about my fears. Why? They are too terrible to afford to come true.
However I keep wondering, so what do I do? When they stay inside, they only make my own soul inhabitable against me. If I talk them out, I could be cursing myself… You know, the power of words and what not…
So what am I to do? Die slowly inside with unexpressed fears so they do not come true… or scream in the only way I know how an acknowledge these fears? Whether I live in denial of these fears, or in fear of acknowledging them out loud, either way they are there … The worst part of it all? This is all taking place inside.
Between writing this and not writing it, I wonder if this is a cry for help or simply a release. What would someone that reads this say?
Honestly, I do not know what you think as you read this. You could be relating, or simply thinking, “Girl, you’re weird and your life sounds sad.”
Truth be told, I do not like writing this either. As I write it down, the gremlins of shame in my soul are just saying how my “mentors” will say this and think, “Girl, you have been saying the same thing for years. Do you not change.”
See, in my head, these “mentors” are people that once had a level of authority over me, an in my head we fell out irretrievably… and all I see is them being judgmental and deciding I have no hope.
It’s funny how I have been “into their heads” decided what they are thinking and made conclusions for them.
But this is what I am saying, that my head is full of voices, angry, mean, harsh and speaking only doom. There are times I have managed to get an upper hand over these voices and felt hopeful, and optimistic, but most of the times, honestly speaking, I have felt constantly oppressed by my own mind, in my own soul, within my own body… and unfortunately I cannot escape myself.
The thing is, I feel pretty hopeless. And I think that’s a pretty horrible thing to admit, but I do. I feel hopeless, I feel defeated, I feel doomed to keep looking at “other people” grow while I remain stuck.
I do feel hopeless. I feel hopeless because I have been at this for years. I have been in this dance, this… cycle, for way too long. I am increasingly finding myself lacking the will to hope, because in the past, disappointment , always more powerful than its last bout … has always seemed to be lurking in the corner.
I feel helpless against my own thoughts, against my own soul, against my own mind, against this vicious enemy within.
I find myself full of hate against every older person I have worked with, who was in authority, who I feel saw me for what I could be, but who I feel at the same time, have seen me remain stagnant, unmoving, sabotaging myself, making no movements or strides whatsoever in the direction of what I once seemed promising at.
The enemy within.
Feelings are powerful. And I think mine have always tended to be on Ambien, psychedelics or some such powerful amplifier, that many times I have been unable to do enough to rise above them. Or in other instances, I have sabotaged my own efforts of overcoming them, and therefore my latter state ends up worse than it was before.
So yes, I have felt hopeless against my own self… because how can I overcome this vicious cycle I have been at for years? How can I hope against this thing, this pattern, this sound, these voices… These things that have fortified themselves in my mind, heart, and soul for years. What chance do I stand against them?
Yes I do feel hopeless. My destiny is tied to me having a properly functioning mind. A sound soul. And I haven’t had that for years. And it breaks my heart to see myself stuck, to feel my soul ashamed at this apparent failure at self regulating, and somehow still feel helpless against my own self-sabotage. This enemy within.
I weep for my soul. I weep for my destiny. I weep for the lives that remain untransformed because they are perhaps tied to mine and I can’t seem to rise above my own self. I weep for my soul, because I would be the first fruits of my own transformation.
I weep for every unsung song, every unrecited poem, every unwritten book, every unpublished article, every unearned coin, every untouched soul, every broken hope, every taste of hope I have gotten only to be quickly overtaken by such deep despair that the experienced hope feels like a distant memory that happened in an alternate universe that I wasn’t really a part of.
This is my battle.
This is the enemy within.
This is what I must conquer. Because I cannot live like one who is already dead, and their judgement passed, and yet breath still flows through her lungs, and life still pumps through her body.
I will rise above this, this enemy within.
The final say over my life shall not be by this entity, this stronghold of this enemy within and against me.
The last stories written about my life shall not be about how I could not rise above my own self-destruction. The last stories written about me shall not be of self-defeat. The stories written about me won’t be of failure, or just shame, or just defeat. No.
The stories written about me shall be of overcoming. Of conquering. of rising. Of rising above strongholds. Of destroying strongholds. And of setting others free of similar strongholds.
The stories written about me shall be of courage. Of precise and evident defeat against the enemy.
Mine shall be stories of victory. Victory not only won, but seen to be won. Of overcoming not only done but seen to be done. Of lives not only transformed but seen to be transformed, starting with my own.
So yes I can openly talk about, write about, acknowledge and confess this oppression I feel within, this shame I feel within… because it is not the last thing you shall hear of me. Because it is not the totality of my life story.
Yes, I can talk of this shame I feel within, because this shame is not and won’t be my final master.
I can openly talk about the “mentors” I feel criticizing me within, because those voices won’t be the last voices that shape my life.
This is just chapter one, of the story of the enemy within. I am describing in detail its works, the works of this enemy, because all future chapters will be about the obliteration, and total annihilation of this enemy within, and of the castles built on the ruins in the wake of its destruction.
So dear enemy within, your secrets are no longer so secret. Your oppression of me, disguised as me destroying me… this is just theatrics, But I serve a master higher than any other… and it is He who has the final say over my life.
Dear me, my dear dear soul, you may feel afraid, but you are not… Not really
Dear me, hear me as I publicly speak and prophesy to you:
You are a conqueror,
Over the enemy within. [The End]
So unto you who is reading this I say: I do not care how far from what or who you want to be you are right now. I want you to write it down instead… and believe. Believe that one day you shall overcome. And even if you cannot believe, just start writing… even if all you do is express your frustration. Trust me, by the time you are done expressing your frustrations/pain, you may just find yourself prophesying hope unto yourself.
It is good to write and note down everything, even if it is not pleasant. Your old writings can be a good memento/evidence of how far you have come.
So write today … Your last song will be different.
Written and confessed with all my heart, Risper.
Shalom.
