My 4th Article: “You must be on a roll!” The paradox of shame
Have you ever done something you had been waiting to do for so long? It could be join a club, go to church, finally sign up for a class … whatever it is. I believe or at least hope each one of us has had such an experience.
Writing is that thing for me. I have been writing since high school. I wrote fictional stories, journaled, imagined scripts… But I was always writing. In seasons when I was not writing or at least journaling, I was always a mess. At the time of course I did not understand what is this relationship I had with writing, I cannot even say here that I fully grasp what is this I have with writing, I just know it’s the best place on earth for me. I just know that I enjoy it, and that I also need to. I have been in situations where I have tried to figure things out long enough to know I don’t care to know to what end my writing and I are going. I am just happy to start.
Anyways, why did I particularly indicate this is my 4th article on medium? So, for each article I have written here I have been sharing on my socials and particularly with some of my contacts on WhatsApp. When I shared my third one, the most common reaction I got was “ On your 3rd one already? You must be on a roll!”
Now, people saying you are “on a roll” is not a bad thing. However, I also know how I interact with different people enough to instinctively know that some said that from a good place in their hearts, and for others it could have been from a different place. Either motivation for the reaction is not an issue to me though, my joy is usually already complete at the point of publishing.
So why did I choose to write about this “you’re on a roll” response if it didn’t bother me? It actually bothered me, not the comment itself, but what I felt inside. I got this feeling that maybe I was being too bold publishing everyday after my first article, or that maybe I was being too much, or maybe that I should “slow my roll”. I got this feeling that maybe I should have done one article a week to not appear too “over enthusiastic”. These internal responses to this comment is why I am writing this particular article.
Have you ever felt that maybe being “too yourself” is maybe being boastful? Or as if sharing your joy over something could be you rubbing it in other people’s faces? That is how I felt when I got this comment “you must be on a roll” from several different people. My internal reaction/ thoughts about it bothered me; why would I feel as if finally being myself and doing something I have always wanted to do would be considered “too much” by my internal voices?
Before I proceed I hope this feeling is familiar to you; It’s that feeling that maybe you should be “more humble” with the way you share your joy over something you love or are good at. This feeling may be more familiar to people who grew up in rural Africa; we were taught to be “modest” with celebrating our successes, so we do not come off as “proud”. And this “practice modesty” with things that make you happy, bring you joy, or things you are good at, is exactly the paradox of shame.
Shame is the thing that holds a lot of us back from reporting to the world in our fullness. Shame is the voice that says your talents are not as good as the other person’s. It is shame that says “yes you are good, but not as good as xxx”, and shame interprets the fact that it has concluded you are not as good as someone else to mean that you are not good at all. It is shame that says you have no talents (as if that is even possible!). So shame for the most part can be said to be the thing that tries to discredit everything good about you, making it almost impossible for us to see ourselves and the “goodnesses” that we may have.
So what happens when you finally find something you are really good at? When you find something that not only makes you happy, but you are also good at and you enjoy even the process of it?
Speaking for myself, when I discovered how much satisfaction writing brings me, and how much I even enjoy the creative process of it all, I was elated! I was so so happy, all I wanted to do was write and share this joy bubbling inside me with the world. And I think that is how we all feel when we make such discoveries. We feel good when we finally do something we had planned to do, and it is even more exciting when it is something personal to us.
So, if it is such a joy finally doing what I have always wanted to do, why did I start getting these feelings that maybe I am being too forward in sharing my joy of writing by sharing my articles with my friends and contacts? Why did I get this feeling that maybe I need to be “modest”, maybe even share less?
Thank God for books, and in particular “Loveable” by Dr. Kelly Flanagan. On the same day I received these “you must be on a roll” comments, I was reading this chapter on the contradictory nature of shame. It is shame that will have been putting you down your whole life, saying you need to do something extraordinary to be an achieved human; and then when you finally find your thing, this same shame will start saying that expressing your joy or your gift “too boldly” is pride. I love the example Dr. Kelly uses in the book; that if Jesus would have listened to shame, shame would have said him performing miracles is him showing off. I’ll quote some words from the chapter “ At first it felt arrogant to boldly share my thoughts as if someone might actually be interested in hearing them…. It felt prideful to act like there was something inside of me worthy of showing to the world… I was worried about people criticizing the content of my words, but mostly I was afraid of people criticizing my audacity to share them.”
Thank God for books indeed. Reading this particular chapter felt so apt because it described exactly what I was feeling inside; as if writing and boldly sharing it was me being boastful in a way. It was shame speaking in its primary language, which is “criticize, criticize, criticize”. Whether it is over something good or bad, shame will always find us short of its standards, wherever they hail from.
The first time I heard of Brene Brown, and that she had dedicated her entire career to studying shame I thought it was crazy, but as I have been listening to myself I find that her career is more and more relevant; shame is so complex, and common, and can show up in any aspect of our lives. We shall need to know its tricks and how it shows up, before it steals our thunder in every turn; first by saying we are no good, and then when we get good at something it says we are being boastful in expressing our joy.
I conclude by saying that the “ you must be on a roll” comments clearly sparked some thoughts and feelings in me, those feelings being shame at work claiming I am being prideful. I conclude by inviting you to identify when shame could have stolen your joy with such claims, or at least be on the lookout; you are likely to feel like you should be more apologetic in the way you approach the world or express yourself to appear humble. Let shame not lead you into the fake humility of holding back who God has called you to be in the name of modesty .
If living fully, expressing everything you are is “pride”, then I say “excessive pride suits you ma’/pa”. Shine on.
