Into the Mind of a Self Saboteur with good Intentions…
Wassup… I don’t know what frustration, shame and regrets looks like or feels like to you… but here’s my language for it from some pieces I wrote some time back this year:
Wailing at the Cemetery
I went screaming at the graveyards today
Went wailing at the cemetery today
At this point in my life
I think only the dead can truly understand my frustration
After all at least a couple of these dead ones know what it’s like to have untapped potential chocking you to a feeling of the point of death…
Stuffing your belly and throat so much such that you almost can’t breath sometimes
And these dead really get it...I think
I’m pretty sure that at a good percentage of them died with their potential still unexplored … So they really get it.
And now they are all dead and quiet
They can’t scream or shout
Yet here I am, alive, yet feeling regret like one of those dead ones dead with all their potential in their now decomposed bodies and coffins…
If they could hear ,
I’m pretty sure they’d get it
They’d understand what it feels like to experience the ache of all these unfulfilled dreams
Except they can’t really hear … or can they? Don’t know …
I could only hope that my screams at their resting place didn’t disturb any of them today
Bless their souls
I went screaming at the graveyards today
To be like Him
God's nicer
At least He forgives
Like actually forgives
I guess the biggest problem is not that I have sinned too much that God can't forgive me
It's that I have messed up too much for my own taste
It is I who cannot forgive
It is I who cannot comprehend how I could just let go of the condemnation I hold against myself
I get the forgiveness on a mental level
But between my thoughts and emotions, all that self compassion gets lost ... And all I know is that I feel unforgivable
All this love and compassion stuff
It doesn't come easy to me
It's easier to just let go of what others do ... But I guess it's easier coz I don't live with them daily
I have to live with myself
I have to live with the memory of everything I have done that I'm angry about
Everyday
So how am I just about to "let go" and "let God" ...
How am I supposed to just "forgive" and forget?
All that compassion stuff ... It doesn't come easy to me ... Especially not towards myself...
So may be I don’t really care for or love anyone genuinely
At least not if the standard is to "love thy neighbor" as you "love thyself" .. coz I’m not sure that I love myself as yet in a way that would be fair to love another similarly
All I know is that I gotta catch up to God's speed of forgiveness and letting go
I may be created to be like Him
But I guess there’s a reason why we are to be LIKE Him
Coz I’m not like him…
I'm petty
I hold grudges
I am unforgiving
I condemn
I hurt even when I shouldn't
But mostly these are all against me
Not against other people
Oh, to be like God
How wonderful it would be
I could have been so so forgiven by now if I was even just a fewer inches closer to being like Him
Coz by now I’d have already forgiven myself
To be like Him
How wonderful it would be
Well, I’m not like Him, not yet, not really, but at least if nothing else, I have something to aspire for
To be like Him
Call me a Polar Bear
Coz I seem to exist in a polar dichotomy of extremes
I’m as far as the east is from the west with the two main persons inside me
Call me a Polar Bear
Coz I seem to exist in polar opposites
They say that opposites attract
Is that why I am so attracted to both desire to be better and yet extremely dysfunctional at what feels like most of my life?
Call me a Polar bear
Coz I'm as cold as the ice the bears live in
At least towards myself
Coz otherwise why would I constantly be getting in my own way and freezing off the trail to a better life each time I have just made some progress?
Call be a polar bear
Coz I'm definitely vicious... Most Vicious towards and against myself at least
Call me a Polar Bear
Coz my soul is definitely heavy
May be this is why I can't seem to really move forward
The burdens are too heavy for the journey ahead
So call me a Polar bear
I definitely exist mostly in the vast white of empty and cold winter snow
With little in the way of hope in sight
Call me a Polar Bear
Coz may be that's what I'm most like ...
Polar, living in extremes of black and white, and most times I only freeze or fight ... Or hibernate in seclusion
Call me a Polar Bear
Because I have a tough tough exterior in the way of skin, and nails, and paws ... For fighting
But inside I’m truly very vulnerable
But call me a Polar bear still
Coz you’re never likely to get to see what’s inside me
My outer layer is just too hard and thick
You’d have little in the way of hope of ever getting across to me
Not even I can get through me most times
Call me a Polar bear
Coz I am actually also all cute and furry and cutsey...
I am not that scary
Just polar
