Give yourself permission to be “WEAK”
When we admit to being weak, we can give ourselves permission to be helped.
Hey there God’s love. A happy new day to you. If you would have me, I would like to love on you today, and share my testimony of “weakness" with you.
If you’re new to Course Correct, you are most welcome to our family. Whatever you want or need to Course Correct, you have come to the right place. Whether it’s the entire course of your life that needs changing, or you only want to figure out how to wake up earlier… you are in just the right place.
The founding belief of Course Correct is that we can pursue EVERYTHING we may have lost, recover it ALL and even overtake. No one is too “messed up” to be redeemed. No one is too far gone to be redeemed. It doesn’t matter if you’re in the trenches beneath rock bottom or drowning at the bottom of the sea with a rock tied to your neck, you are recoverable. It is not by power, nor by might, but by the Spirit of the Living God. This way we can expect the impossible, because our source of power isn’t just will, or sheer determination. Our trust is in a far-more formidable source of strength.
If all this “God talk” isn’t your vibe, I encourage you to stay on still. God does love you too. I think even my usual Course Correct mates can tell that there is a difference in the way I talk about God. It is more frequent than before. I could never have talked about God a few years ago- not because I didn’t sort of have a relationship with Him- but because I was ashamed of God. I was ashamed of the Gospel. I was ashamed to be one of those people who talk about “God” and … “all that mess”.
I wasn’t ashamed of the gospel because there is anything to be ashamed about really, but because I’ve struggled with belonging all my life… and talking about God meant exposing myself to possible further ridicule in addition to all the shame I felt by just being me. To talk about God would have been an inconvenience to my conformity, because all I wanted was to conform to the world enough to get at least one place to belong, because I’d never really felt like I belonged anywhere.
I have felt ashamed of the gospel for a long time because talking about God would have meant possibly looking “uncool” in front of all these “cool” crowds I wanted to belong with. At 27 years old, it feels almost unpopular or embarrassing to confess such personal truths, but you would need to know the trenches God walked with me to understand my praise.
I have been deeply ashamed about almost everything in my life. Ashamed of where I come from. Ashamed of myself. Ashamed of my age (even at 17 I already felt like a failure and had aging anxiety). I’ve been ashamed of my step- father, that he was a drunkard and I couldn’t escape being associated with him or his embarrassing ways . I’ve been ashamed of myself for wanting to be associated with my biological dad, yet he on the other hand wanted nothing to do with me.
I’ve been ashamed of myself for feeling bad for being rejected… like why couldn’t I just be “strong” and feel nothing towards those who hurt me? I have felt both angry and ashamed of my mom for staying with a man who beat her and humiliated her, yet deeply loving her at the same time… and wanting nothing more than to make her proud… and vindicate(redeem her image) her in front of everyone who’s ever spoken behind her back.
So yeah, you would need to understand the things God has understood about me, and not judged me for, to understand my boldness for sharing his love. It’s not even bold, not really. I just can’t not share this kind of love.
It’s only God I could confess to that I have been ashamed of my life, because I have felt like a failure all around- life, school, finances, relationships, church, belonging… everything… and yet he’s not called me ungrateful, but said He loves me, and will help me.
Do you still need more proof on why it may help to give yourself permission to be “weak”?…
These confessions come from a deep place of knowing that all these deep shames I have experienced have been my weaknesses. They have made me vulnerable. They have led me to compromise just to find a place to belong. They have made me struggle with saying no. Struggle with saying no to opportunities that weren’t for me. Struggle with saying no to sex I didn’t really wish to proceed with. Struggle with saying no to advances from men that I didn’t really want to indulge in…
So, when I say, “Give yourself permission to be weak”, What do I mean? I could only explain to you as I know… And here’s my reasoning.
If I am weak than I can be helped. If I am weak then I can be strengthened. If I accept that perhaps I am more broken that I would like, then I give my soul permission to rest from “being strong”. If you can acknowledge to being weak, then those who can help can help you.
Look, I HATE asking for help. I hate asking for help because it means I would NEED to be helped, and I HATE NEEDING help. I grew up seeing my mom beg a bit, here and there from the more “affluent” relatives… and I hated how undignifying that looked. I hated how helpless it made her look and feel. I hate how it made me feel by extension. I couldn’t even care to hangout with my relatives children, because it meant I would be amidst people who held a power over me. I would be the ‘beggar’ of the group.
So yes, I have completely hated asking for help, because I hate the idea that I would NEED anyone…
I hate poverty… because it is what led to that kind of indignity. Poverty is trauma, for those who do not know. If follows therefore that, if Poverty is Trauma, and Africa is considered the poorest continent, then we have a continent wide trauma- and a continent wide shame. I will not get into the details of this… but I do invite every African with understanding to start praying, that our shame is lifted.
Let’s come back to today’s article- giving ourselves permission to be weak.
If I so hate asking for help, and yet admitting to weakness means we need help, then what am I proposing?
Look, I will say it again; I hate asking for help, and needing help; because it puts me at the mercy of another. I hated the kind of helplessness, and powerlessness I felt as a little child , watching my mom make endless begging calls to relatives.
Dignity is being able to walk with your head held high, and I do not know that there’s a world where that is possible if you are dependent on other people’s mercy for survival. I didn’t know it then it, but I realize that even as a little child (5–10 years), I made a vow to myself that I would never beg… That I would never expose myself to feeling so helpless and powerless again… Perhaps it is why I became a hype achiever. Even when I did well, I still felt I hadn’t done well enough. I needed to be on top of everyone to not feel exposed to helplessness…. I wonder if you, reading here, could have experienced a version of this kind of feeling…
So, why give ourselves permission to be weak if it means we shall need help.
Let me be 100 with you guys, even God knows my aversion to asking for and needing help.
Thus, when I say, give yourself permission to be weak, it is because I can start to see the benefits of being helped.
Make no mistake though, it is not from friends or pastors or mentors that I have sought help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help from these… No. In my case; I just still have too much fear, and pain, and pride, and foolishness, and weakness, and shame, and aversion to possible humiliation; to comfortably ask for help from men(people) and not feel as if I have betrayed the six year old in me.
Which is why I thank God that there is such a concept as a God who can be a friend, my friend. A God who can be a Father, my Father. A God who I can cry to in private, and at least all my shame remains there with him. I don’t have to be anything with God- I don’t have to be strong, I don’t have to be civilized, I don’t have to be talented, I don’t have to be “killing it” in life, I don’t have to have any credentials or achievements.
I don’t have to prove anything or myself to God. Ican express all the humiliation I feel for being who I am before this God, and in return my eyes are opened to who I really am. I can cry with depth over all the rejection I feel even amidst people who genuinely love me, and in return he can start to fill the cracks in my soul.
I can confess all the loneliness I feel amidst communities where technically, I should feel I belong, and in return He can Comfort me. He can comfort me to stay on, only with him, until I am strengthened enough to start feeling abit more at home with people. The awkwardness doesn’t go immediately, but I do find myself finding more and more courage to show up, even when my former mind argues a strong case for isolation.
With Him, I am safe. With him, I can be my weak self, and not feel like I have betrayed the six year old in me. With Him I can fully express my weaknesses, and not feel powerless and helpless and ashamed.
Yes, I am 27 years, and it may be unpopular to write such kind of things. You know, “Your age mates are getting married … and changing the world… and …” You fill the gaps for everything society has prescribed for your age, whatever your age. I could care less though… this “society” inst what has saved me from suicidal thoughts, it’s God who has… These “cool” communities aren’t what saved me from my shame, God has, and is still helping me even more…
So, allow yourself to walk your own journey, and allow your praise to make sense to you and you alone… and let that be enough.
No one can understand your praise, until or unless they’ve walked your journey .
You cannot understand why I would want to tell of a God so kind, until you have been the fearful six year old in me, and finally start feeling seen… not by man, nor by a mentor, nor by peers or colleagues … but by a God whose love I am finally, slowly, starting to be able to receive. You couldn’t understand my praise, or prayers… because you would need to walk in my shoes first.
So, I am not asking you to give yourself permission to be “weak” before anyone. If you are not ready to be vulnerable with people, you do not have to. If you are struggling with being grateful, you do not have to force it. There is no “should” statements with God. There is no condemnation with God. With God, you are not condemned for lack of “gratitude”…instead, you are slowly tended to, loved on, and healed… that gratitude eventually starts to flow from a genuine place.
If you haven’t experienced this God, I invite you to call on His name. Call onto Him. I promise you, He will meet you. There are no pre-conditions to meeting Him. You do not have to “clean up your messes first” before you ask Him for help. If it is sin you have in sacks up on sacks, then good. He is the only one who can forgive anyway. With the enemy you only get further condemnation or a death of sensitivity to the sin that keeps killing us slowly.
So, give yourself permission to be weak today, because then you can ask for help. You do not have to crush your already weak soul under the all the weight you are carrying trying to appear strong.
Shalom my dearests, you are dearly, dearly Loved by God. I hope you get to experience it.
See you in the next article.
With all my love, Risper.
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Hey there. My name is Risper Wanja Njagi. I am an Advocate by Training, Writer and Voice Over Artist, currently living and working in Kenya.
I am a believer in Jesus Christ… and I dare say my life has gotten richer for it… in all aspects. My life mission with Course Correct is to disarm the Kingdom of the devil, by highlighting all the ways in which we have redemption in Jesus Christ, no matter how messed up we may have been, or still feel we are.
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I’m happy to partner with as many organizations as possible that are working with young people and mental health … both in writing and speaking engagements.You can reach me for any speaking or partnership engagements on coursecorrectbyrisper@gmail.com.
You can support me by following me on Socials where I go by the handle “Course Correct by Risper”. Peace be with you & God Loves you!
