The Tragedy of Comparing Ourselves with Others
It feels like I have only ever failed. I have felt that way too many times. I wonder who can relate.
I am twenty five years old, and as of today, twenty five years, four months and one day. “And it is taking everything in me to not give up,” is a statement I have written down many a time in my journal, just as I am sure it is a statement a lot of people may be able to relate with, regardless of their age, whether younger or older than me.
I do not know about you my dear reader, but at least every once every day I have to remind or try convince myself that I have not failed. And I find that I often find myself doing this convincing when I have been comparing myself with others, whether it is my peers or just random people on the internet who seem to be my agemates. It is a horrible and often discouraging feeling to compare oneself with others and feel that you fall short. I hope that by the end of this article you shall feel more encouraged to follow your path, or feel affirmed in your current decisions.
It is forever sang, “Do not compare yourself with others.” I have heard that advice repeated a million times over, in different shapes sizes tones and languages, but still I find myself trapped in a comparison wheel more than not. It is almost as if I cannot help myself.
I know that you too have received that advice, whether directly or by reading it somewhere; just as I know that getting that advice has not stopped you from comparing yourself with other people. In fact, I am sure that there could be someone reading this article right now and unfavorably comparing themselves with me. I know there is someone either reading this or that knows me(as someone who writes) and is feeling less accomplished than me as a result. They could be thinking to themselves, “What do I have to show for myself, yet other people like Risper are making strides in their lives establishing themselves as writers …. or content creators… or designers… or advocates… or business owners… or” etc., basically a list of endless things to compare yourself against.
Haha, I laugh out loud at myself and anyone unfavorably comparing themselves with me because we are clearly in the same boat.
Before I continue, let me CATEGORICALLY Note that this is not an article for us to wallow in our self pity, No. It is not. Stay on till the end to find out why I have written it, I just need you to know that the goal here is not to stay stuck in a “we are in this together” band wagon of unhealthy comparison. Yes we are, together in this, but we also aren’t, because I have no intentions of continuing to feel inadequate by virtue of comparing myself with others.
Let me also add, getting good advice does not mean you shall automatically stop comparing yourself with others, no. You will still still do it, perhaps even more than before you had received the advice. Human beings are wired to compare themselves against each other. In my opinion, and from the few books I have read on the topic, the most we can do is perhaps learn to not compare ourselves to the point of stress, harming yourself esteem or worse; but at any given point you are likely to find yourself comparing yourself with others, whether consciously or unconsciously. I would therefore like you to release any guilt you could be harboring against yourself for not changing “even after receiving good advice.” There is nothing wrong with you, every human being on this planet has or is going through the same thing in one capacity or another; do not feel isolated in your experience or beat yourself up for it.
That said, let me continue.
Recently, we (in Kenya), just got a new president. Before we got there, it was an intense campaign season, full of politics, promises, lies(haha), some truths and a whole lotta “hot air” moments from our beloved country men the politicians.
It has also been a season for aspiring politicians to shine. To thrive. And in my case, my focus is the young aspirin politicians.
I happen to have been (luckily or not) surrounded by some of these young aspiring politicians. Or where one is not an aspiring politician, they are aspiring to work somewhere along the lines of politics, perhaps as strategists, or advisors, or opinion shapers, or whatever their political “shtick” is.
“The pressure is getting WERSER” HAHA, IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW. But if you do not know, look for the viral tiktok video saying those words. A good context scenario for using that phrase is when your agemates, or even younger, are getting iPhone 14’s , driving, buying houses; and you have probably not even paid rent or are struggling to make ends meet(as is especially happening in the current economic status). That is a situation one can describe as “the pressure is getting worser and worser.”
Anyhow so why have I used it, the phrase? Because during the politics-and- campaigns-intense-period that is how I would feel, when I saw my friends, acquaintances, former classmates or just people I know “shining” in their political careers, being in large arenas full of people, in those open-top vehicles where only half the body of a politician is seen.
These my friends seemed to be completely thriving, and in their element and there I was in a quiet and sometimes almost lifeless office, watching my age mates on TV, or twitter or WhatsApp statuses, “thriving” and “living their best lives”. I have put the words thriving and living their best lives because in my unfavorably comparing eyes that is what looks to have been happening; but whether or not that was the case can only be confirmed by those people.
And that is the tragedy with comparison. That all that matters is how you see it. All that matters is what you think is happening. You could see me writing here and conclude that what is happening is that I am thriving, or that I have found my niche, and you have not. But is your conclusion a correct assessment of the situation?
Are you usually right to conclude that “everyone else seems to be doing well except you?”
Well, the truth is, it does not matter what the truth is. It does not matter whether your conclusion is right or wrong, BECAUSE THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE. The truth is that some of the people you think are healthy, and happy and “thriving” are actually really miserable, but because you think they are doing better than you, you’re killing yourself over a person going through misery with a fake smile and fake joy on their faces.
See, in our minds, the damage is done at the point when you conclude that your friend is doing better than you, because that sends you on a spiral of so much self harm. You get discouraged; You likely talk to yourself harshly; You start panicking that you are late to finding “your thing/niche” “yet everyone else” has found theirs; You start or continue feeling inadequate; You start or continue cementing existing feelings that “you are a failure”; and you BECOME BLIND. Let me explain that.
What I mean by you BECOME BLIND is that you fail to see what you actually have, and only see and feel all the things you have convinced yourself you do not have. You fail to see that perhaps you have a talent you can work with; and only see how you are behind on working on your talents/skill/ gift, or even in some cases see yourself as completely talentless. You fail to see that you recently just finished school; and only see how your age mate has just concluded their Masters degree, and you are even yet to finish your undergraduate studies.
You fail to see that you are actually alive, and so have an opportunity to start over; and instead only see how you are late to the party and see your situation as one of failure because “it is simply too late to start over”, or some people go ahead and harshly judge themselves by concluding that “You simply cannot afford to be starting over right now”. And thus you GET STUCK.
YOU GET STUCK that you cannot go back and change things, GET STUCK that you “cannot afford” to start over in the Present, and GET Stuck as to what the future holds because you are not moving in any direction.
AND THEN FEAR AND SHAME kick in. Fear that you are wasting time, or whatever your fears in your particular situation are; and shame that you are indecisive and unaccomplished and a failure, or whatever shame-inducing conclusions you have made in your particular situation.
Do you see how this comparison, shame, spiral works? It goes nowhere. You neither move forward nor backwards, you just get stuck. Or as I write this, or as you read this, YOU ARE JUST STUCK.
Well, as I said, this article is not for us to have a pity party together. Count me out, I have had enough of those in my life. And I demand that if you are currently in one, or thinking of having one, END IT NOW… Hopefully this article at least gives you the kick you need to start seeing where you can start… but we are not done just yet, so lets finish this…
SEE, the reason why I started the article with “It feels like all I have ever done is fail,” is because that is how it often feels, and particularly when I am comparing myself against other people. I feel I have less or no money, no prospects, and sometimes even no Hope.
But if I may recall my campaign season example, do you realize that now those my friends “shining” and “thriving” during the campaign season do not matter as much now? I am not saying that they are no longer relevant now… What I am saying is that IT WAS THEIR SEASON TO “SHINE” Back then, because politics is THEIR AREA OF CALLING. They seemed to be thriving then more than me, but do you realize now that was not the case?
They were not thriving “MORE THAN” you and me, they were just THRIVING. Because one person succeeding does not take away your chance to succeed. BECAUSE in the first place, YOU ARE NOT EVEN THE SAME PERSON. My politician friends were in the lime light during the campaign season because they are politically inclined. You will shine when it is a “writers” season because you are a writer, and if your “politician” friends compare themselves with you in YOUR season, they may feel like they are failing.
AND THAT IS THE TRAGEDY OF COMPARISON. THAT WHEN WE DO NOT KNOW WHO WE ARE, OR WHAT OUR AREA OF CALLING IS, then it can feel like everyone else is succeeding except us. But now you know that is not true. WE EACH HAVE OUR PLACE OF SHINING, AND no one is ever “doing better’ than us, they are just doing well, in their places of calling, just as you will do well, when you are in your designated area.
Conclusion
Now you may be thinking, “Okay Risper, but I do not know my place of calling; I am not even sure I know who I am. So am I not still hopeless?”
No, you are not hopeless. The goal of this article was to show you that one; you are not failing, and you are not a failure, you perhaps just need to look at things from a different perspective. Secondly, if you are or feel stuck, then perhaps now you have some guidance on where to start; may be you need to ask yourself whether you are living true to who you are created to be, because in being yourself there can be no comparison, we are each created to thrive, DIFFERENTLY, based on who we are.
I may not be able to help you answer the questions of your identity or area of calling, but at least now you know the questions you can start with. This will not solve all your problems at once, but the goal was not to get a perfect solution in the first place. You just need to know where to start, seeking a perfect solution is just another rabbit whole you will not get out of.
If I may add, the truth is that most times, our conclusions that “others are doing better than me” are often just a reflection of a biased (harsh) judgement we have already made against ourselves; for example that “I am a failure”, so everything we see around us only serves/seems to confirm that bias. SO perhaps you (and I ) may need to take some time to evaluate what biases we are holding against ourselves.
Bye for now:), see you in the next article.
