Afraid of My Own Story : A Poetic Rumination
“Story of my life, many would say”
Afraid
Afraid of my own story
Afraid of my past
Afraid of my face
Afraid of how I look
Afraid of the world
Afraid I could get hurt
Afraid I could get hurt again
Afraid I could get rejected again
Afraid I could fail again
Afraid of my own story
Afraid of how I’ll be perceived
Afraid of how I’ll be received
Afraid of whether I’ll even be received
Afraid I’m not aware of the worlds "basics" enough
Worried if there’s a space for my kind of weird in the world … my kind of awkward… and my kind of genius. Wonder if it’s one or all of the above at the same time. The world is just too linear, and the rules like shifting sands … one is okay today, tomorrow they are not…
Worried if there’s a space for me
Because I’m afraid there may not be
Yet I say to my little self, "See how far we've come little boo"
Yet she cannot not feel afraid…
“Afraid that there are others smarter than me
Afraid there’s others with more exposure than me
And afraid of the humiliation I first faced with the people I loved the most, and admired the most, and wanted to be like the most, who had more exposure that I did... and who treated my curiosity as something to be ashamed of...
Afraid
Afraid of how fiercely I want the things I want
And afraid of being rejected by the things I want just as the people I wanted the most sort of just didn’t even see me,” She says
Afraid
Afraid off just how much I loved
Afraid of just how much I admired
Afraid of just how much I looked up to
Afraid of how much I tried all I could to be in the eye sight of these people I loved the most, respected and admired so much
Afraid of a repetition of what I faced
Afraid of how much I just didn’t even feature in the eye sight of these whom I loved
Afraid of being eight again
Afraid of being five again
Afraid of being 13 again, 15 again ... And be hurt again like I was…
Afraid that my story could be considered tired
Afraid that my self expression could be considered childish
All these labels so tiring
I just wanna be me
I just want to pour out what’s in my heart
I just want to heal
I just want others to heal
I just wish to tell my broken childish story over and over again
Because I cannot bear the sight of another heart bleeding just like I have, just like I do ... Without getting help
Afraid
Afraid if God set me up for embarrassment by making me expressive as I am in the way that I am
Yet I know of the pain I see around
The rejection I see all around
Because you cannot help but see the pain in others when it looks exactly like your pain
So, Afraid,
Afraid of how my heart bleeds some times
At how similar we are, at how similarly hurt we are
Afraid of the reality of how cruel the world has been to many of us
Yet we keep forging forward to “be resilient”
Yet our hearts are bleeding, hemorrhaging all the more, the more we try to be brave without help
So then let this fire burn me
Let this fire consume me
Let this fire to not see any more continued pain consume me
If possible embarrassment or possible humiliation is the price I must pay
Then gladly shall I
Over and over again
As much as possible
As many times as possible
Afraid?
That’s fine… So am I
Come let’s embarrass ourselves together
Think your story is too messy?
Feel as if your story could be considered juvenile or be received in some way that exposes you the the pain you feel your heart couldn’t possibly survive AGAIN because you’ve already seen it before?
Come.
Come here. Come to Jesus. I know, even talking of Jesus does kind of sort of sound juvenile in the world we live in ...
It's a different kind of love here.
Afraid... Afraid of all this complexity. Afraid all the intricacies of my soul.
Or perhaps you and I were just oriented erroneously that life is only one way
Either or
Mental health by emotionally appealing quotes or Jesus
Choose one
Success by "caring about global issues" or success by God
Choose one
Either or
Black or White
All or Nothing ...
But why not both?
Why not all?
The global constitution is all mixed up
Afraid
Coz how could I not be
How could you not be
How could we not be
Afraid
Hey there. My name is Risper Wanja Njagi. I am an Advocate by Training, Writer and Voice Over Artist, currently living and working in Kenya.I am a believer in Jesus Christ… and I dare say my life has gotten richer for it… in all aspects. My life mission with Course Correct is to disarm the Kingdom of the devil, by highlighting all the ways in which we have redemption in Jesus Christ, no matter how messed up we may have been, or still feel we are.I’m happy to partner with as many organizations as possible that are working with young people and mental health … both in writing and speaking engagements.You can reach me for any speaking or partnership engagements on coursecorrectbyrisper@gmail.com
You can support me by following me on Socials where I go by the handle “Course Correct by Risper”. Peace be with you & God Loves you!
